chasing light through photography
***
A special, handmade present, for a special birthday.
A handmade garment may look like a regular one but it is not what it may seem to a foreign eye.
It’s your hours spent looking for the right pattern and fabrics.
It’s a coat of armor made out of hours of patient work under a tiny lamp.
No matter if no one is aware of it, it’s a unique token of love you’re wearing.
And so it’s 14 now. Fourteen years since you’ve entered our lives.
Well, the very first time I was introduced to you was way earlier and I recall it as if it was yesterday. I was standing in the corridor of our old apartment (do you remeber it?) and it must have been late morning because the sun was shining so bright through the bathroom window and onto the wall that I had to look down while waiting for the pregnancy test to reveal its verdict. As the two positive blue lines appeared I stood there speechless for a couple of minutes, soaking in the fact that a true, tiny 2-week person was growing in my bosom (utter amazingness). Then I rushed to the phone to tell your dad because there was no way I could wait until evening. This happened 14 years, 8 months and 1/2 ago.
I had often wondered how it would be when we would gaze straight into each other’s eyes – check, that’s done now and soon you’ll look down at me. Your physical changes are so impressive lately that I sometimes stop and look at you while you don’t notice. Are you still you, the same you? ‘Cause, you know, a parent expects his children to grow but how, nobody knows. That’s a book that one unfolds one page at a time and that often makes sense only looking back. Your hair has turned from blond to chestnut, you’ve become so much taller and stronger, your figure is changing. Yet, when I look at you carefully, I recognize the same smile; those long eyelashes and something graceful about you that made people sometimes think you were a baby girl even if a dressed you as a boy; that dimple on your chin like your dad and that way you have to make a joke and remain serious while your eyes laugh. Yes, you’re always you.
Happy birthday beautiful boy
I’m happy and proud you’ve chosen me as your mama
So it’s 7.
Seven years since the day I felt a tiny sting in my bosom while catching the bus and I thought « that’s it ». As I sat down because I had a long journey ahead, I looked out of the window and took a mental tour of all the things I had to take care of; the maternity carry-on, your brother’s activities and little gift, dinners in the fridge. Before telling anyone that it was it, I slowly carried my huge belly to some grocery-shopping and through all those tiny to-be-finished tasks. And all the while I whispered to you « hold on love, just a little bit longer, I’m almost ready » and to myself « hold on to this moment, before your world changes forever again, don’t miss a bit of it ». You listened to me, you know. It was not until everything was done that the pain grew stronger and the waters broke and we rushed in the car, my breathing more ad more ragged, the pain reaching its highest peak, the doubt, the fear, breath in, breathe out, you can do it, you’ve done it before, just lean in, the friendly voices cheering, we’re almost there, then my world stood still, unique incomparable wonder, meeting your eyes wide open as you were lying on my womb.
7 days since that day, my joy fairy, my little bird. It feels like yesterday yet forever. For me, you’re always that tiny newborn, almost not crying and spending the night teaching my breasts how you want to be fed. But I know you’re growing up and, not so far away, the day will come when I’ll no longer be the center of your universe. I’m overjoyed to see you grow and become your own person, with your tastes and personality. But I would lie if I said that in this mama’s heart, who cradeled you, as your brother, each day ever since you were born, there is not also a pinch of apprenesion thinking about this. Thank god, there is a remedy. A panacea for this melancholia: seeing you happy and laughing.
Happy birthday sweet fairy,
may all your future days be filled with such joy and wonder.
*This moment*
A weekly ritual, inspired by SouleMama’s blog: a special picture, without subtitles. A unique, everyday or extra-ordinary delight that I want to record and cherish. Don’t hesitate to share your link in a comment for all to see if you wish to join in. Cheers!
***
You were never much of a talker and you let your gestures show how much you cared: your delicious cakes, the sweaters you would knit for me, the tiny thoughtful presents you would leave on my table. It took me years to understand and appreciate your silent devotion, your daily commitment to make us happy.
For your birthday, in this special moment where your health plays tricks on you, I wanted to offer you something special. In order to speak your language I had to find the right gesture which would quietly go to your heart: I would exchange roles and become the one who would spend hours knitting for you, sticht after stitch, as you used to do.
This special present was a race against time and came to an end at 2 am of December 18, just in time to weave ends inand wet block it before closing my suitcase on the 21st.
As you unpacked your gift you paused an instant, sort of incredulous. As if – knowing so well how much time it takes to complete such a project – you couldn’t conceive that someone had done this for you.
You murmured it’s beautiful and caressed the yarn with your hands.
Those very hands that have so often held needles and yarn for somebody elses’s delight.
Then you lifted your eyes into mine with the most radious smile and simply murmured thank you…
***
The sweater pictured above is size S of Seneca by Brooklyn Tweed knitted with 5 skeins of Cascade 220 on 4,5 needles.
Treize ans, ça y est, tu es officiellement un adolescent. Je dis ça à chaque fois, mais c’est vrai, je n’en reviens pas.
Treize ans. Un anniversaire au bowling avec les copains. Un gâteau arc en ciel et un goûter improvisé au parc. Peut-être le dernier dont tu auras envie avec tes parents.
Treize ans. Des chaussettes en boule à droite et à gauche. Des vidéos sur Youtube que tu nous montres. Une année scolaire un peu rock & roll, rattrapée sur la toute dernière ligne droite. Des bonnes rigolades. Des blagues. Un corps d’adulte qui commence à se bâtir.
Treize ans. Des hauts, des bas. Des bas, des hauts. De nouvelles interrogations, des doutes.
Depuis quelque temps, quand tu vois cette pauvre maman visiblement larguée, tu t’arrêtes un instant et me dis, avec une tendresse infinie, ne t’en fais pas, maman, je suis un adolescent, c’est normal. Mon gentil garçon.
Joyeux anniversaire mon grand,
tu es beau et on t’aime.
PS ne t’en fais pas non plus si parfois je perds le fil;
je suis juste une maman, c’est normal.
Thirteen. So you are officially a teenager. I know I say it every time, but this time I truly can’t believe it (ha).
Thirteen. A bowling birthday party with your friends. A raimbow cake. An improvised snack at the park, maybe the last one you’ll want to share with your parents.
Thirteen. Your orphan socks lying around. Youtube videos you show to us. A rather rock & roll school year, which you’ve managed to succeed at the very end. Teasing and laughing, a lot. An adult body in the making.
Thirteen. Ups and downs. Downs and ups. New questionings and doubts.
Lately, when you see this poor mama completely at a loss you pause for a moment and very kindly say to me: don’t worry, mama, I’m just an adolescent, it’s normal. My gentle boy.
Happy birthday my teenager.
You’ve beautiful and we’re proud of you.
PS don’t you worry either if I sometimes lose it,
I’m just a mama so it’s normal, you know.
Tu as pris soin de moi quand j’étais petite, tu m’as accueillie chez toi au soleil tous les étés et tous les Noëls. Tu as toujours été là pour parler et écouter. Tu es la fée derrière toutes les magnifiques couvertures au crochet qui ont accompagné mes enfants dès leur naissance. Quand je pensais à quoi t’offrir pour tes (premiers) 80 ans, à toi qui as tout, cette idée s’est imposée comme une évidence. Maille après maille, après de longues semaines de réflexion sur les couleurs et la forme, le voici enfin, ce cadeau spécial. J’espère qu’il te tiendra chaud pour toutes les années à venir, comme tu l’as fait avec nous et qu’il te parlera, mieux que n’importe quel mot pourrait le faire, de tout l’amour que nous te portons. Buon compleanno e mille di questi giorni!
You’ve taken care of me when I was a baby. You’ve opened your doors for me each summer and Christmas time. You were always there to talk and listen. You are the fairy behind my kids’ beautiful crochet and knitted blankets. When I was thinking about what I could offer you for your (first) 80th birthday, this idea stood out as an evidence. Stitch by stitch, after many weeks of choosing yarn colors and patterns, your special present is here. May it keep you warm for all the years to come as you’ve done with us. May it speak to you, more than words could have done, about the love we carry for you. Happy birthday and many happy returns!
* Je me suis inspirée de ce modèle // I used this pattern as an inspiration.
Six ans. Six fois que nous avons fabriqué des petites invitations pour ton anniversaire. Je n’en reviens toujours pas. Mais voilà, c’est fait; des photos le prouvent.
Tu voulais être une petite sirène, alors nous sommes allées choisir les tissus ensemble au Marché Saint Pierre. Puis j’ai imaginé le décor et le buffet tout autour. A chaque fois c’est pareil, je décide d’en faire moins puis je me laisse prendre la main car, pour tout te dire, je m’amuse vraiment beaucoup. Je me suis demandée, d’ailleurs, si ma maman s’amusait autant quand elle organisait nos fêtes d’anniversaire. Il y a plein de choses comme ça qu’on ne découvre que quand on passe de l’autre côté du miroir, tu sais…
En tout cas, te voir virevolter dans ton déguisement, danser et rire heureuse avec tes copines m’a rempli le cœur de joie. Joyeux anniversaire ma petite sirène jolie, ne grandit pas trop vite quand même d’accord?
Six. The sixth time that we’ve handed out invitations for your birthday party. I still cannot believe it. But we did, it’s on camera.
You wanted to be a little mermaid so we went fabric shopping all the way to the Marché Saint Pierre. Then I’ve imagined the sweet table and party decoration accordingly. I had wowed to myself to do less but- guess what – I ended up making a lot because, well, it’s so fun. By the way I found myself wondering if my mother had so much fun preparing our birthday parties. There are things like these, you know, which you only guess when you step on the other side of the mirror…
Anyway, seeing you parading so proudly in your new costume, laughing and dancing with your friends just filled my heart with joy. Happy birthday my sweet little mermaid. Don’t you grow up too fast, okay?
* Le buffet était composé de: cake pops à la vanille version méduse et petit plongeur; sablés au citron en forme d’étoile avec du glaçage royal blanc et violet; cupcakes à la vanille façon mer des tropiques; petits poissons en chocolat (achetés tout faits); une génoise vanille-fraise façon Château de sable de la sirène. Et un mini aquarium de fortune, juste pour le clin d’œil!
* The sweet table was made of: vanilla jelly-fish/little-diver cake pops; lemon sugar-cookie stars with homemade white and purple icing; vanilla tropical-sea cupcakes; (store brought) fish chocolates; a vanilla-strawberry sponge sandcastle birthday cake. And a fake little aquarium just for fun!
Six ans ce soir que tu es arrivée dans notre famille.
Ma toute jolie. Mon nouveau-né fille.
Six ans que tu égaies notre quotidien avec tes rires et tes chansons.
Je n’en reviens toujours pas.
Mais tu m’as assurée que tu me donneras toujours des bisous tout mous.
Que tu seras toujours un peu petite, c’est vrai maman.
J’étais un peu inquiète, tu vois, que tu deviennes très grande tout d’un coup.
Mais non alors, heureusement.
Belle journée d’anniversaire, ma toute jolie!
Six years that you’ve come into our lives.
My lovely newborn little baby.
Six years that you brighten up our lives with your smiles and laughters.
I still cannot believe it.
But you’ve told me that you will always give me soft kisses.
And you will always be a bit little, it’s true mama.
I was scared that you would grow up, all of a sudden, you know.
But I’m relieved then.
Happy birth-day my sweet (baby) girl
❤❤❤
Et dimanche, on fait la fête avec les amis: alerte aux sirènes et aux tritons!
Come Sunday we’ll party with your friends: watch out for the mermaids and the tritons!
Le mois de février // les déguisements de Carnaval // très vite derrière les fêtes d’anniversaire des enfants // le mien // un spécial, celui-ci // déjà? // ça change rien, mais quand même // une jolie fête oui! // revoir les vieux amis // et si? // des souvenirs // des questionnements // des envies! // les enfants qui grandissent // les moments qui passent // et puis // et puis// et puis…
Inspirer maintenant. Expirer. Ralentir.
Profiter de toutes les possibilités prêtes à éclore, là, à porté de la main.
Belle semaine chers amis, qu’elle vous soit douce.
February // dress-ups for the Carnaval // very soon behind the kids’ birthday parties // mine // a special one // already? // it doesn’t change anything but still // yes, a nice party! // good old friends // and if? // memories // questioning // projects // the kids growing up // times which won’t come back // and // and// and…
Breathe in now. Breathe out. Slow down.
Enjoy all the possibilities unfolding right here, at hand’s reach.
I wish you all a lovely week friends.
CRISTINA PORZIO 